Key 5: De-Energize The Control Freak In You
We all have a control freak inside us that struggle to let go of the internal resistance to the external events of life.
Most of us have our own idea of how we want our days, months, years and ultimately our lives to turn out. But we also know that our lives don’t always turn out that way.
In addition, we allow our minds to worry and stress about these future events and when they don’t turn out the way we want, we get angry, irritated, frustrated and depressed...and that is the control freak in us.
In short, we resist life internally...we say NO to life. And when you say NO to life, life will pretty soon say "NO" back!
You will ALWAYS have problems...
Before we carry on, I want to share with you, this story:
|Once upon a time, long, long ago...Ok, Ok not so long ago. Anyway, some time ago, there was a village at the foot of a mountain. |
On top of the mountain, there lived a wise old lady. She just sat around a fire all day and drank herbal tea. Whenever the villagers had a problem and needed wisdom, they would go to her (although it was quite a serious climb to the top of the mountain)
One day there was this guy, who had a problem and needed wisdom, so he put on his climbing gear and summit the mountain.
When he reached the top, the old lady saw him and shouted, "I know why you are here" and he shouted back, "You do? Why?" She answered, "Because you have a problem"
The bloke thought to himself, "Big deal. Everyone could have guessed that", but he walked closer anyway.
When he got there, she told him, "I know you have a problem because everyone has problems - 83 to be exact. Yes, everybody has 83 problems" The guy looked a bit baffled and asked the women how she worked that one out.
She replied, "Everyone has 83 problems and your job is to solve them. But be assured that when you wake up tomorrow morning, you will have 83 problems again. It’s a constant. In other words, if you solve 50 of your 83 problems today, they will be topped up back to 83 tomorrow."
"That’s quite depressing", the guy answered back. "Ahh, but that’s the biggest problem of them all. Actually it’s the 84’th problem."
"It’s the biggest one and actually the only one, because if you solve that one, you erase the effects of the other 83".
The guy thought to himself that this woman couldn’t have been great in maths when she was in school, but he replied anyway, "And what is this 84th problem?" The old lady gave him a wicked smile and said, 'Thinking that you shouldn’t have problems".
"You see, most people think that they shouldn’t have any problems and when they wake up every morning and find their 83 problems, they become a bit depressed, because they think they shouldn’t have them."
"Now they start solving them with the hope that when they are solved, they will be gone forever and they can focus on other things. So while they struggle to solve these problems they forget about the positives in their life."
"They reckon they can focus on that when they have solved their problems."
"So they put their family, children, dogs, hobbies and sadly even their dreams on hold, so they can get this source of irritation out of the way. Then, they wake up the next morning with their 83 problems topped up again"
"So what should I do?" the man asked. "When you accept that you will always have problems, they will shrink in significance and although the issues will still be there, you will view them as opportunities to grow and learn."
"Go forth my son. Embrace your problems and be thankful for they are opportunities to make you a better person"
One of the facts of life is that we will always have problems...83 to be exact (wink). We might solve some of them and others will just stay with us constantly.
So we all have 83 problems and the biggest problem is the 84th one...thinking that we shouldn’t have problems.
This 84th problem is the cause of a lot of stress and negative emotions. And if you can somehow grasp this 84th problem, you would be able to de-energize the control freak in you.
We’ve all been brought up to have a control freak inside of us who hold the perception that it is our external circumstances (events, people and situations) that determine our mood.
We think that if we can somehow get things to turn out the way that we want them, we will be fine...and that our job is to "make" those things and people turn out and act the way we want them to...and if we can’t then something is "wrong"
The reality is that external events, people or situations CANNOT irritate, frustrate or anger us. We choose our internal response to those external circumstances.
Saying NO to life...
The moment you experience negative tension and an emotion that is not positive or neutral, you are saying NO to life...and life will very soon say NO back.
Our emotions is our guide that warns us when we are saying NO to life. It is easy to feel these NO moments in life. It comes in the form of general anxiety, irritation, frustration, anger and boredom.
So whenever you feel these emotions, don’t resist them. Rather welcome them and become aware of their messages that are screaming out, "Hello, you are saying NO to life."
Saying YES to life...
Saying YES to life is NOT about somehow manipulating everything to turn out the way that you want it to be. (as the control freak inside you would love to believe).
Saying YES is about not resisting what "is" at this moment. It is about not judging what life is giving you right now...It is about surrendering to this moment...and de-energizing the control freak in you.
In order to say YES to life, you need to be extremely aware of your emotions as they happen. The moment you feel the tension and negativity building up inside of you, become aware of it.
If you can do that, you’re 80% there in terms of turning a NO life into a YES life.
Here are a couple of techniques to de-energize the control freak in you:
- Being aware of this resistance is 80% of the battle won (excuse the pun)
- Take a couple of deep conscious breaths
- Feel the tension in your body (especially the neck and shoulder area) and focus on relaxing your whole body...feel that control freak inside you
- Don’t beat your self up if you can’t let go. It might add further resistance if you struggle to say YES at any particular moment. Rather congratulate yourself for recognizing it!
- Use Key 2 (Integrating Your Emotional Pain of the Past) to help you further in saying YES to life.
Non-Resistance Doesn’t Mean Non-Action
Did I hear you say, that you can’t just sit back and do nothing about your problems and challenges?
Saying YES to life doesn’t mean non-action. To the contrary. You can still act EXTERNALLY, without resisting life INTERNALLY. We are talking here about internal resistance.
You can still do or say whatever you have to do or say. The only difference is that when you say YES to life, you act and speak out of a position of not resisting life internally...you do NOT feed the control freak inside you.
De-energizing the control freak inside you is about saying YES to life and about what’s happening inside of you. Your actions are just the external manifestations of what’s happening on the inside!
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Return from Control Freak to The Energizer